7 Essential Truths to Unlock Longevity in a Lifelong, Loving Relationship
You’ve done it! You’ve found the “love of your life” and ceremonially declared your love by promising “forever and ever, till death do us part” with your “one and only.” Now what? The final scene of a fairytale or rom-com fades off into a beautiful sunset of “happily ever after,” but when the credits roll and the lights come up, reality sets in. We know there is a journey ahead—new adventures await, challenges to navigate, and a rich tapestry of experiences, filled with laughter, joy, trials, and tribulations, that will shape their life together.
If the ‘happily ever after’ is to be expected, how will they safeguard their marriage for longevity? Science tells us the brain produces powerful hormones, like oxytocin and vasopressin, which play crucial roles in forming deep emotional bonds. Oxytocin, often referred to as the "love hormone," fosters emotional attachment, trust, and pro-social behaviors, enhancing the connection between partners. Vasopressin promotes nurturing and protective behaviors in long-term relationships, especially in males, and adds another layer of bonding.
Nature encourages pairing up because it wants us to procreate and survive, as bonded couples are more likely to effectively raise offspring together and can contribute resources, protection, and emotional support for one another and the clan. So once couples fall in love, how do they stay in love… and for the longest haul of them all? For a marriage to last a lifetime together, it must be ‘secure functioning,’ which means fair, mutual, and sensitive – and encompass these 7 essential truths – starting with this overarching principle, in the number one spot for its universal applicability:
1. The relationship must come first over personal interests
“Of all the human relational mistakes, the refusal to put our relationships first above ourselves is one of our greatest failings,” emphasizes Stan Takin, founder of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy. Healthy, secure relationships are a source of vital energy. We are energized by a secure connection to another person. Our need to be securely attached is so powerful that it can get us through the hardest of times and help us float through day-to-day routines with ease, skill, and grace. Therefore, this connection must be protected above all else.
Establish yourselves as the Heads of State for your union, where you view each other as the absolute insiders while everyone else is an outsider. This sets an agreement to prioritize the relationship, placing you in charge of your shared environment, including the people, pets, and plants in it.
Move as though your interests are intertwined, the needs of the relationship come first, that nothing is bigger or more important that your relationship, no fight will jeopardize it, no external influence will undermine it, and no challenge is too great when faced together.
This is a daily practice strengthened by consistent evidence and protection. When your relationship is healthy and rooted in mutuality, justice, and sensitivity, everything else around you thrives as well.
2. Romance must be paired with logic
Relationships are only as strong as the agreements upon which they are built. Stan Takin emphasizes that couples tend to be the only "system" that doesn't organize itself around clear guiding principles, policies, and agreements. In contrast, the most successful rock bands, charities, banks, and restaurants all rely on a solid understanding of what they stand for and why they are together. When establishing such actionable agreements, think logically in terms of what works and what doesn’t to ensure mutual protection. A relationship can essentially be seen as a myth, brought to life and made real only through the active declarations of mutually agreed upon shared principles. For example:
“We protect our mutual trust at all times.”
“We protect each other’s interests in public and private at all times whether we are together or apart.”
“We make joint decisions about any matter that impacts our relationship, ensuring we are both fully aligned before moving forward.”
“We repair misunderstandings and hurt feelings quickly, making amends and offering reassurances right away.”
3. You need to become experts on one another and stay curious
What makes your partner feel loved, confident, safe, or vulnerable? What triggers their emotional pain, and what makes them laugh? Developing a deep understanding of one another is essential for caring for each other and preventing potential problems. This understanding of your partner's emotional inner world is crucial for building a stronger relationship. Additionally, relationship experts emphasize the importance of understanding one another’s attachment styles, because it helps you be a better partner. Attachment styles are shaped by childhood experiences; they influence how individuals handle emotional connection and can help us understand how a person will react to interpersonal stress.
Successful couples create detailed “owner's manuals” that explain how each partner navigates and makes sense of their world. They regularly use this unique information about themselves and their partner to tailor their love specifically to each other, boosting their partner’s self-esteem. Knowing who your partner is and how they operate is vital for a thriving relationship.
4. How your partner receives love is different than yours
Loving in a way that supports, energizes, and grows a long-term relationship means loving your partner the way he or she needs to be loved. Many well-intended people unconsciously get caught instead in the destructive loop of offering their partner the kind of support, care, attention, and love they themselves thrive on, only to be left feeling unseen, unsuccessful, misunderstood, and lonely, which often leads to defensiveness and fighting.
When partners don’t understand one another, they amplify what seems negative. Sometimes the behavior or request you find most annoying from your partner is the very thing he or she needs most, but that you resist giving. Using a ‘boomerang effect,’ you can give out what your partner thrives on, and then watch the reward come back to you in the form of a happy, calm, secure partner. This way, you both thrive.
5. If one partner wins at the other’s expense – then both partners lose
“Your success is my success” – there are certain codes, creeds, maxims, and attitudes that serve, solidify, and support the foundation of long-lasting loving relationships. One essential idea research shows to clearly be beneficial is to adopt an agreement to negotiate win/win outcomes with your partner. A belief shared by both partners that “if it’s not good for you, then it can’t be good for me,” serves a bigger thing than one’s individual life – it serves the relationship and emphasizes collaboration over compromise. It has been said, that “in a three-legged race, the key is not just to run, but to run in sync.”
6. Acceptance creates a secure environment
Ideally, we all heal from our growing pains and become wiser, kinder, funnier, and smarter, allowing life and our partners to positively challenge us into becoming more fascinating and amazing individuals each year. But the fact is, no one is good at everything, and we all have our obstacles, imperfections, and quirks – that’s just a fact of life. There are no perfect 10’s and no perfect zeroes. Acceptance goes a long way and in a positive way. People always do better when they are around people who love, accept, trust, and believe in them and in environments that are supportive, trusting, safe, and secure. Part of creating a thriving relationship is making sure you are helping your partner perform at an optimal level. “You are in my care, and I am good at that” must be reflected every day through a spirit of acceptance.
7. A long life of good health is affected by a loving relationship
Your good health and life depend on your relationship being healthy, happy, and secure functioning. In 1938, Harvard researchers began a decades-long study, that continues to this day, aiming to discover what makes us happy in life. The most consistent finding reveals that positive relationships lead to greater happiness, lower levels of stress, better health, and longer lives. In contrast, loneliness and isolation were correlated with mental and physical decline. Sustained periods of stress can create health problems. Unhappy relationships can lead to chronic stress, which is associated with various health problems, including cardiovascular disease, weakened immune function, and other stress-related illnesses. We survive better when successfully paired – even just securely tethered to at least one other person.
In the grand adventure of marriage, it's not just about finding "the one" but also understanding how to “be the one" for each other. By embracing these seven essential truths, you equip yourselves with the tools to navigate the ups and downs of life together. Remember, love is not just a feeling—it's a verb. So, dive in, stay curious, and keep the romance alive by pairing it with a dash of logic and science. Here's to creating a beautiful tapestry of shared experiences, laughter, and love that lasts a lifetime. After all, the best stories are the ones we write together, page by page. Cheers to love and the journey ahead!