The Boomerang Effect
Loving in a way that supports, energizes, and grows a long-term relationship means loving your partner the way he or she needs to be loved. Many well-intended people unconsciously get caught instead in the destructive loop of offering their partner the kind of support, care, attention, and love they themselves thrive on, only to be left feeling unseen, unsuccessful, misunderstood, and lonely, which often leads to defensiveness and fighting.
Aligned with a related PACT therapeutic goal—knowing who your partner is and how he or she operates—comes this question: Are you using that information to help your partner do a good job for you?
Successful couples arm themselves with detailed owner’s manuals that explain how each partner maneuvers through and makes sense of his or her world. Partners then put that unique and distinctive information to use on a regular basis by tailoring their love specifically to their partner. This in turn fuels and boosts the partner’s self-esteem.
During a recent couple session, a high-energy and very social wife declared she was “tired of cheerleading” her “lazy” husband, who would not respond to all the “pumping him up” she found herself “continually” doing with respect to his job. The husband, a quiet and productive man, slumped in his chair, his eyes downcast. Although not in the exact job of his dreams, he works full time in an industry he loves, and is able to support his wife and eight-year-old daughter. When the wife said she wished he networked in the same fashion she did in order to move up to the next level of “personal achievement,” he explained that he felt criticized. He admitted to avoiding his wife’s “constant barrage of rah-rah” by “checking out,” which left his wife feeling dismissed, hopeless, and ineffective at motivating the man she loves.
The husband, on the other hand, complained his wife ignored or trivialized his efforts to have his family enjoy one another and the home they have created, and show “grace” for what they already have. “We live really well, but I feel like it’s not enough for her. She usually wants us to go out instead of staying in for family movie night, going on a hike with just the three of us, or using our custom outdoor kitchen,” he said.
“I love our life, but I’m freaked out you don’t care about trying new things and meeting new people. You seem like you’re asleep at the wheel when you check out like that,” she said.
In an attempt to get him motivated, the wife was unintentionally devaluing him, and missed showing appreciation for the resources and contributions he brought to their family. Conversely, his attempts to get his wife to slow down and appreciate their life left her feeling disconnected, bored, and frantic.
Addressing the couple I asked, “So, who between you actually responds to cheerleading and being pumped up?”
After a long silence, the husband looked up and said, “My wife does.”
“And who between you thrives on simple words of appreciation?”
“He does,” she said.
“And you’re both offering those things to the other one, right?” I said, with a knowing smile.
They both chuckled. The husband had no use for cheerleading, and his wife had no use for simple, day-to-day appreciations…or so they thought. In fact, he would have use for the rah-rah if he could give it to his wife. If he did, it would boomerang back to him in the form of a happy, calm partner who feels safe, secure, and able to be more present in the relationship. And vice versa for the wife, if she could give simple words of appreciation to her husband. What you send out to your partner will come right back to you.
When partners don’t understand one another, they amplify what seems negative. Sometimes the behavior or request you find most annoying from your partner is the very thing he or she needs most, but that you resist giving. With the boomerang effect, you can give out what your partner thrives on, and then watch the reward come back to you. This way, you both thrive.
Ultimately, your partner is only as good as you believe him or her to be. So use the information you have gained to help your partner do a good job for you, and trust your partner will do the same, so you can both walk through the world feeling, safe, secure, sexy, and loved.
Hello! My name is Eva Van Prooyen, MFT.
I am a licensed psychotherapist and relationship specialist based in Santa Barbara, CA. I have a private practice working with couples and individuals to address relationship issues, anxiety, depression, addiction, and life transitions. I blend neuroscience and theory with warmth and humor to help make positive and enlivening changes in my client’s lives and relationships.